u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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