please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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