So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
