I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
