Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
