I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
