i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
You were trust falling into bushes