forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize