we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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