i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
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Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
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