Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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