You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
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