I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
