he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
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no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
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I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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