remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
