Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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