Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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