i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Randomize
