Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Randomize
