Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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