Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
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