The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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