I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
