i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Randomize
