Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
