do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Randomize
