I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
