Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
