She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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