I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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