you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
