saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
