sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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