this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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