On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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