On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
