Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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