His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
