I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
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i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
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One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea