And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
