i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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