i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize
