Rock
Scissors
Fuck
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
