If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
