So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
