We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
