why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
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My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
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Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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