how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
