You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
