Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize