I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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