I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Randomize
