How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
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