The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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